The Trouble With Wands
by ashre
Summary: Harry's wand is misbehaving and getting him into embarrassing situations. Can he fix it before he gets into too much trouble? Or will he be caught in the act? [Note: Humour. Feel free to read as much or as little into this as you want. Normal disclaimer


**The Trouble With Wands**

> > > > _Dear Mr. Potter, Harry,_
>>
>>> > _ We are sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your wand (holly and phoenix feather, 11 inches, supple). Here at Ollivander's, we are very proud of our products and you can be assured that your wand is an extremely well-crafted, one-of-a-kind instrument. However, it is not unheard of for a wand to malfunction on occasion. We would advise you to read through the following checklist, which may help you to isolate your problem:_
>>
>>> > > _**1) Make sure your wand is not broken or otherwise damaged.  
**__ Please check your wand carefully to ensure that it is not in pieces or bent at an unnatural angle, and that its surface does not display cuts, scratches or abrasions due to rough handling. Damage to wand may affect flow of magical energy through it, resulting in unpredictable effects._
>>
>>> > > _**2) Make sure your wand has not been charmed or hexed.  
**__ To ensure wand has not been charmed or hexed by someone other than its owner, cast the Reveal All Spells Charm (_Aperio Incantata!_). To remove all charms and hexes, use '_Finite Incantatum!_' WARNING: Using a wand that does not belong to you may cause unpredictable effects._
>>
>>> > > _**3) Make sure your wand has not been decorated.  
**__ Wands from Ollivander's produce the best results when used unadorned. Do not paint your wand. Do not carve your name into your wand. Do not attach the following to your wand: ribbons, bells, Serena Sparkle's Sticky-Gems(TM). Doing so will disrupt the flow of magical energy through the wand, resulting in unpredictable effects._
>>
>>> > > _**4) Make sure you have not been holding wand at the wrong end.  
**__ Grip wand firmly at its base (thickest part), tip pointed away from you. For more information, read Wands for Dummies by Jakov Tosser, a highly recommended book which can be purchased from Ollivander's, Diagon Alley._
>>
>>> > _ In our experience, wand malfunction is usually caused by one or more of the above. However, if following the instructions in our checklist does not solve your problem, please consult the enclosed booklet: Getting The Most Out Of Your Wand by Mr. Ollivander, which contains basic information, as well as an in-depth troubleshooting guide._
>>
>>> > _ Do feel free to send us an owl should you have further queries. We would like to thank you once again for choosing Ollivander's: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 BC._

_ Sincerely,  
__ Technical Support  
__ Ollivander's_

Harry had read through the rather impersonal letter twice. He was fairly certain it was a form letter, with just his name and the features of his wand inserted in where necessary. No one cared about real customer service anymore.

Harry pushed the door of the stall shut, though he did not lock it, and settled down on the toilet (which had its top down).

"Okay," said Harry, taking his wand out of his trousers. "Right then. Number One. Make sure wand isn't broken or damaged. Well, it's obviously still in one piece. But bent at an unnatural angle?" He held the wand up to the light and squinted at it. It appeared to be slightly curved. Harry was confused. The letter had been very vague. "'Unnatural angle'. What the hell does that mean? What's unnatural for a wand?"

Holding his wand tightly, Harry pulled the tip towards him. The wand, which was somewhat flexible, bent quite easily. Afraid he would break it, Harry let go. The wand sprung back to its original position. "Well, let's just assume you're not bent all weirdly. And you don't seem to be damaged from rough handling either. So I guess Number One's done."

"Number Two. Make sure your wand has not been charmed or hexed." Harry stared at his wand. He couldn't cast the reveal spell on his wand using his wand. That wouldn't work. Maybe he would ask Hermione or Ron to do it later. Anyway, he was quite positive his wand was always on his person, which made it impossible for someone to hex it without him knowing. "So my wand isn't charmed or hexed. Okay."

"Number Three, make sure wand isn't… Of course my wand isn't decorated!" exclaimed Harry, rolling his eyes. Why would anyone decorate their wand? Why would anyone _paint_ their wand?

"Hello, Harry," said Moaning Myrtle, sticking her head through the door, giving Harry a slight scare. "What isn't decorated?"

"Nothing," replied Harry.

"You're not saying my toilet is badly furnished, are you?" Myrtle's voice was quaking and her lip started to tremble.

"No, no!" replied Harry, hurriedly. "No, I wasn't talking about your toilet. It's very… nice, in a damp and echoey way. I was talking about… about my dorm room. It's rather spartan."

"All right then," said Myrtle, apparently appeased. Then she leaned forward, and more of her body came through the door. "What are you doing?" she asked, eyeing Harry suspiciously.

"Nothing?"

"Are you playing with your wand?"

"No, no! I'm just… holding… it. It's comforting." Harry knew the moment the words left his lips that that wasn't a very intelligent answer.

"I don't like it when boys play with their wands in my toilet!" wailed Myrtle, floating over Harry and making ineffectual swatting motions at his head.

"No, Myrtle! I'm not! I--"

But Myrtle was inconsolable. She let out a long, piercing shriek and flew through the wall of the cubicle. A few seconds later, Harry heard a splashing sound. He sighed. He hadn't meant for Myrtle to get upset. He was only using her lavatory because he thought it was unlikely he would be disturbed there.

Myrtle had probably gone to sulk in some pipe or other, leaving Harry on his own again. He glanced at the last item on the checklist. "Well, I know I'm holding the wand correctly." Harry grumbled, twisting his wand this way and that, examining it closely. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

For the past few months, Harry's wand had been giving him problems. Sometimes, it did not work when he needed it to, and other times, it worked only too well. Its antics had even embarrassed him in class a few times, when it discharged on its own, causing strange and rather disastrous spell effects. His pleas of "I wasn't touching it, I swear!" fell on deaf ears, and he ended up in detention.

Harry wiped the wand off on his robe. Maybe it was just dirty. Maybe dirt on the wand disrupted the flow of magical energy. Yes, that was probably it. Hermione cleaned her school things obsessively, and she must have had a good reason for doing so. Harry was a lot less conscientious. He grabbed the hem of his robe and rubbed vigorously at his wand.

"That ought to fix it," he said confidently, waving the wand through the air. It felt the same.

He decided to test the wand out using the spell he personally felt he was best at: The Patronus Charm. Visualising his happiest memory, Harry called out: "_Expecto patronuh_… huh?"

Before Harry had even finished saying the incantation, streams of white vapour started shooting out, quite violently, from the tip of his wand. "What the…?" said Harry, incredulously. His wand continued to giving off the misty vapour, in short spurts and bursts, as though it was hiccupping. The vapour floated around his head for a moment, then dissipated. His corporeal stag patronus was nowhere to be seen.

"Stop, stop!" said Harry, tapping the wand on the palm on his hand. It didn't stop, and the tapping only seemed to encourage it.

In a slight panic, Harry picked out Mr. Ollivanders booklet: Getting The Most Out Of Your Wand. He flipped to the troubleshooting guide and looked at the index. "Invisible spell effects, no. Reverse spell effects, no, not that either… amplified or diminished spell effects, I don't think that's what I want." Harry sighed. This would take a while; it was a very long list.

"… wand feels too heavy, wand flies out of hand without warning, wand seems to whisper to owner, wand difficult to put down." What kind of wand did these things? Harry turned to the next page of the index. He skimmed through the list, and found his wand's problem in the middle of it.

"Wand misfires or fires prematurely," he read aloud, convinced he had found the answer he was looking for. Eagerly, Harry turned to the page with the section on misfiring and prematurely firing wands. This is what he read:

> > > > _**Wand Misfires or Fires Prematurely  
**__ Often, this is not due to a problem with the wand, but rather a problem with its owner. A good wand (like wands from Ollivander's) is very sensitive and will attune itself to its owner and his or her emotions. If the owner experiences strong and unfamiliar, or wildly erratic feelings while using the wand, this may result in unforeseen and unintended effects._

"Oh, that's helpful," said Harry snidely. He glanced at the wand, which had, for the most part, stopped spitting out vapour. It was, however, still leaking thin, smoky wisps now and then.

> > > > _ A witch or wizard with a great deal of raw power can often cause wands (even those of inferior quality) to become so well-adjusted to their thought processes that the wand may fire in response to strong emotions, even when the witch or wizard is not holding the wand. The most finely-crafted of wands (like select wands from Ollivander's) are the most responsive and therefore this problem may be magnified to a great degree._

> > > > _ Take heart, however, for if your wand misfires frequently, it most likely means that you are (or will be) a very powerful magic-user, that you have an Ollivander's wand of exceptional quality, or both. If you are new to wands, this just means that you require more practice, and the problem should disappear in time. If you are a skilled wand-user, and your wand has only recently started misbehaving, it might mean you are going through some emotional turmoil that is affecting your focus. _
>>
>>> > _ In any case, my advice to you is practice. Practice, practice, practice. For a new user, this goes without saying. However, practice is essential even for those who consider themselves experienced. Neglecting wand-work for a length of time (a month or longer) will cause the connection between user and wand to decay. If this applies to you, you may find it necessary to set aside some time to get reacquainted with your wand, before it will work to your satisfaction._

> > > > _ I feel I must caution you: Do not worry too much about your wand misfiring. If you are nervous or under stress, the wand will be affected by this and produce unexpected results. This may lead to a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle where anxiety about your wand causes the wand to act in the exact way you fear, resulting in more anxiety. To combat this problem, try practicing with your wand in a quiet, comfortable space, preferably in private. By doing so, you will not place upon yourself unnecessary pressure stemming from the need to perform well and impress others. And last but not least, relax! Take a deep breath and do not concentrate too hard. Let the magic come to you, and above all, have fun! _

Harry shut the book. "Well," he murmured to himself, "that's a bit of a relief. Now I just have to practice more on my own and get my emotions under control." It was true, he had been feeling out of sorts recently. He pulled out his little pocket watch (a Christmas gift from Hermione) and looked at it: half an hour till his next class. He could use the time to practice his wand-work. Maybe he'd been a little too ambitious earlier. The Patronus Charm was a difficult spell to perform, even with a wand that was functioning correctly. Perhaps he ought to test it out with a simple spell: a light spell.

Harry raised his wand. "Lum--"

The door to his bathroom stall flew open with a loud BANG. Harry jumped, causing both letter and booklet to fall to the floor. "Potter!" spat the boy with the pale blond hair, on seeing Harry.

"Malfoy!" said Harry, his heart racing. He carefully folded his hands in his lap, hiding his wand from Draco. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just about to ask you that very question," sneered Draco. "I, unlike you, have authorisation to be here." He smugly tapped his Prefect's Badge with his wand. "Some first years said they heard disturbing noises coming from this toilet."

"It was Myrtle." Harry answered quickly.

"No, they said it sounded like a boy. Well? What mischief are you up to?"

"I was… studying," lied Harry.

"Oh, were you? In the girls' lavatory? That just happens to be out of order?"

"It's not as crowded as the library."

Draco sniffed the air. "I can see why. Damp and musty. Full of mildew." He smiled cruelly. "Must feel like home to you, Potter. I bet you miss your cosy little hole under a rock, don't you?"

Harry decided he wouldn't give Draco the satisfaction of an answer. But Draco had moved on to other things. His eyes roamed about the small cubicle, coming to rest on the letter at Harry's feet.

"What's that, Potter?" said Draco, pointing at the letter on the floor. "Love note from that Mudblood of yours? _Accio letter_!"

Harry reached out and grabbed his letter as it floated towards Draco. "That's private, Malfoy."

"I'm sure it is, but I don't care." He glanced down at the letter in Harry's hand, then noticed the wand he was also holding. "Why do you have your wand out?" he asked, furrowing his brows.

Harry folded his arms on his lap again. "Why do _you_ have your wand out?"

"I was investigating a disturbance. I had to go in armed."

"Like I said, I was studying."

"I don't believe you. I don't see any school books." Draco pointed at the booklet on the floor. "I know for sure that isn't one." His eyes narrowed as he stared at Harry. Slowly, the answer seemed to dawn on him and his lip curled in amusement. Harry groaned inwardly.

"You were playing with your wand!" accused Draco.

"No. No, I wasn't playing with my wand. I was just… holding it. It's comforting," said Harry, for the second time that day.

"So the rumours are true!"

"What rumours?" asked Harry, quite alarmed. There were rumours?

Draco leaned in and whispered slyly: "Oh, you know, the rumours. 'Harry Potter can't stop playing with his wand', 'Weird stuff comes out of Harry Potter's wand', 'Harry Potter's wand is tiny and crooked'…"

Harry jumped up in self-righteous indignation. "My wand isn't tiny or crooked!' he raged, thrusting his wand -- which was neither tiny nor crooked -- at Draco. "Look!"

"Hey! I don't want to look at it! Put that thing away!" said Draco, pointing to Harry's wand like it was a poisonous snake. "I heard what it did to Longbottom! They say it took him a week to get that stuff out of his shirt!"

"No, I didn't… Neville… it's a misunderstanding…" stuttered Harry, trying to explain. Draco looked at him in silent amusement, clearly enjoying watching Harry flounder.

Draco's mocking grin was too much for Harry. "Malfoy, you bastard! _STUPEFY!_"

There was an odd whooshing sound, followed by a burst of bright red sparks from Harry's wand. Draco instinctively ducked and covered his head with his hands.

"No, damn it! Not now!" Harry yelled at his wand.

Draco, noticing that he was unharmed and unstunned, cautiously peered out from between his fingers. He saw Harry frantically shaking his wand. Several sparks issued from its tip, making soft popping noises, then fizzled out.

"Oh, this is too entertaining for words," said Draco, doubled over with laughter. "Harry Potter's wand doesn't work! Wait till I tell everyone!"

"Shut up, Malfoy! Just, shut up!" Harry shouted, waving his wand at Draco.

"What are you going to do, Potter?" taunted Draco. "Poke me with it?" He affected an expression of mock fear. "Oh, please don't jab at me with your wand, Boy Who Lived! I'll be good, I promise!"

Harry was tempted to stuff his wand edgewise into Draco's mouth, just to shut him up. He knew that Draco would spread word of this around the school. He also knew that Draco would gleefully embellish the truth about what he had seen, and then Harry would be utterly and completely _buggered_. He had to do something! He remembered the words from Mr Ollivander's book: _Relax!_ _Relax and let the magic come to you!_

Draco had started towards the door, cackling loudly about whom he was going to tell first. Harry closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath, trying to calm his frayed nerves. _Please work, please work, _Harry said to his wand silently, _my reputation is at stake._

"You're not going to get away with this, Malfoy!"

"Yes, I am. Your wand doesn--"

"_Obliviate!_" shouted Harry, concentrating on making Draco forget everything that had happened in the past ten minutes.

Draco fell backwards, his head hitting the corner of a sink with a satisfying thwack. He slumped to the ground, unconscious, and the wand he was holding went skittering across the floor. Harry blinked. Had his wand really worked the way he wanted it to? He hoped he hadn't completely erased Draco's memory. No one deserved that, not even Draco Malfoy. He reached out to wake Draco up, but thought better of it. The best thing for him to do now was to make himself scarce. Harry tiptoed gingerly around the unconscious boy, fully intent on fleeing the scene of the crime.

He stopped. He had forgotten his book from Ollivander's. Harry made his way back to the cubicle, and picked his book off the floor. He stared at the book, then at Draco, who was now softly snoring. A plan was starting to form in his mind.

Chuckling to himself, Harry turned to the section on misfiring and prematurely firing wands. He retrieved Draco's wand and slipped it into the book, marking the page. Then he closed it and stuffed it hastily into the waistband of Draco's pants. Draco stirred, but did not wake.

"Sleep tight!" said Harry, smirking, as he patted Draco on the cheek. Then, making sure no one was watching, he walked briskly away from the toilet, telling everyone he met along the way that Draco Malfoy was seen in the girls' bathroom, playing with his troublesome wand.


End file.
